Sweets for gintama
by CigaretteandGin
Summary: DUM DUM DA!The third episode of "Sweets for Gintama" is running! Our sweet heroine Gin-chan is in distress! She certainly wants a boyfriend, but how would she know who is the right one?And what about the new guy who is coming this episode? Watch it now to know the answer! GinHiji, and OkiKagu, A parody for all of the ridiculous harem anime around. Laughing guaranteed.
Hello, Here I am again…
Seriously I hate this website.. I don't know why, but it just doesn't want to take my layout! It always looks great and then I push the submit button, and there we have plain text simply… plain.  
It seriously freaks me out….  
But that aside, I decided to publish anyway…(even though it offense my eyes T.T) and seriously I crave for feedback, so here comes! My first comedy fic! (well on this website;) )  
Funny fact, I originally wanted to post another fic first, but I kept on writing on that one, and than suddenly this idea strucked me. Gin-chan is very OC, (in fact maybe they all are o.o) but you must go easy on him, he has to play the poor heroine in distress... not an easy task, you know?^^ So, this fic kinda kids all this laughable cliches of harem animes (seriously I literally can't watch them!) and if you wondered Yes, I thought about it when the golden Kintoki comes and they make this new Gintama series with Gintoki as sweet heroine with pig tails… yeah, thats the picture I had when I was writing.  
So a warning beforehand, yes this is totally cliche! xD And guess... what is this dark secret? Ö.Ö Anyway, enjoy this trashy nonsense to the fullest! ^^

* * *

 **Sweets for Gintama**

* * *

Dum-dum-da! Here comes the third episode of the new series „Sweets for Gintama"!

Will Gin-chan finally decide to date the air head Zura, her best friend Sougo, or is Takasugi going to confess his feelings for her? What is with this new transfer student? And is Gin-chan's secret lastly going to be exposed?

The heroine with her silver hair in pig tails, was walking the streets down humming. It was a wonderful day, the sun was shining and the weather forecast promised a strawberry fall in the afternoon. To top it off, her father had made her a chocolate ice bento with caramel cream! She can't await to tell her best friend Kagura.

Suddenly she bumped into something and fell to the ground. As she lifted her head, tears in her eyes and muffling a whine her heart stopped beating. A young man was standing in front of her, with silky black hairs and ice blue eyes. He looked at her worryingly, a crinkle between the eyes. „Oi, you okay?" His voice was deep and husky, sending a shiver down her spine.  
„Y-y-you.." She wriggled under his gaze, blushing hard. „Y-you have white stuff on your trousers.." Her flush hardened.

The man stared at her confused and than slowly lowered his gaze to his groin. „I know I am hot and all.. and you probably touched my strawberries* in the fall, but that is a bit.. eeeh." She averted her eyes. The man before her finally realized what was going on and immediately became red like a tomato.

„No! NO! You got it all wrong! That isn't what it looks like! That is not… ehh… I mean it is Mayonnaise! I was eating Mayonnaise, when you crushed into me!"

„Ha, who would believe that, moron. At least try to make a believable excuse, if you can't be honest.. about your desire." She adds shyly. He panics more and furiously gestured toward an empty bottle in his hand.

„No! You don't understand! I love Mayonnaise and-" „Yes, I know, man like this sort of thing. I'm not that inexperienced, you know.~" „What? NO! You got it all wrong! I'm not talking about this white stuff, but about this white cream! Mayonnaise! Nothing else, you hear me?" „Yes, yes, your Mayonnaise, I understand completely. Let's just name it that." „NO! Damn it! It's the sauce! The sauce! It's eatable, yes? Here, try it and than you will know that I am right!"

„W-w-w-w-hat?" She screeched, jumping three steps back. „W-w-we aren't this c-close you know? Y-you shouldn't ask this from a stranger, you know? A-and even if I maybe had the secret desire to do something like that, than not in the open streets, in public! I am not this kind of innocent girl you can seduce, with only your creamy Mayonnaise, y-you pervert!" She spluttered defensively.

His ears and neck were now blushing hard too, and he wails in embarrassment.  
„No, god, please, that isn't what I.. Would you please just listen to me? You see I am not this kind of man! I would never dare to touch a girl like you, okay? And I would never attack somebody as cute as you on the streets, alright? This is just a huge misunders-"

He got cut off by a hand slapping him full force on the face. He crashes into the lamppost behind him, coughing blood while trying to focus on the mad, crying girl.

„So you are saying I am not good enough? Not good enough to be attacked? I am not pretty enough to be touched and somebody wanting to do **** things with me? You would make me hot and then just leave me like this?! You asshole! Don't think I will ever eat your Mayonnaise ! Do it yourself!" She screamed and then run off. Leaving a mortified, flushed and totally irritated man back.

When she entered the classroom she somehow managed to suppress the previous scene and greeted her best friend Kagura. „Sup"  
„Yo" „Anything interesting happened?" Her best friend asked.  
She instantly broke down crying in her arms.

„It was horrible Kaaguraaa! There was this handsome man, and he" She sniffs in her hands, while being comforted by the red head arms around her. „He was trying to force me in eating his Mayonnaise, and then he rejected me! ME! Can you believe it?" „There, there." She pats her on the back and brushes the tears away.

„No problem, Gin-chan. He was probably lying in playing hard to get. Nobody would reject you, okay? Nonetheless, can you give me his description? I will hunt him down and crush his balls for hurting you." Her lips tremble and she falls into another weeping.

„B-but Kaaguraaaa! I kind of.. you know.. liked him. I don't want his balls, I want his Mayonnaise!" „There, there.. okay. That is no problem. Just give me his description and I will hunt him and milk all his Mayonnaise out of his body, okay?" She smiled evil, a foreboding of murder and torture. „Only his description, all right?"

Gin-chan hesitated, kind off scared of her childhood friend. She couldn't shake this feeling that something horrible would happen if she would tell her.

Then there was suddenly her best male friend Sougo by her side, checking her out like usual. „Sup. Whats the matter Gin-chan? Why do you cry like your dog died? Did Takasugi bullied you again?"

„No." She dryer her tears and presented him a sadistic grin. „Not since I dyed all of his eye patches pink. He is awfully quiet. I think he doesn't like me anymore." „Didn't like you at any point, stupid bitch." comes a purposeful deadly quiet voice from the back of the room.  
They all turn to the person clad in pitch black, holding a smoking pipe in his right hand.

„What did ya say? Couldn't hear you from this far away. Didn't know you were this timid." „Yo, Tsugi,didn't anybody tell you, you can't smoke in the classroom?" „Ah, no China, that is just a water pipe, oozing out fog." „Huh, why would anyone use a fake pipe? Is he dumb, or something?" „No, Kagura-chan, he is trying to look cool, because he has no friends, you see? He is a poor, lonely guy, thus we shouldn't pry into his facade more. In the end there would be only a naked frog wriggling in the need for air."

„That doesn't make sense, Gin-chan. Frogs aren't water animals! You did sleep in biology again, didn't you?" „Well-" „China, don't accuse somebody your own wrong doings. I saw you snoring on your book the last time." „Actually-" „Huh? That's none of your business, sadist! I can sleep whenever and wherever I want!" „Uhm-" „Say that again. Did you forget you signed the peace treaty last year? Paragraph 546 says clearly, only allowed to sleep when King of Sadist (me) is not in the room, to not disturb his majesty with your ugly sleeping face!" „I want to-" „LIES! You just made this up on the spot now! I never read any shit like this! And who the fuck is ‚your majesty' huh? The only royal in this school is me, the Queen of Kabukicho!" „So-" „Of course you didn't see it, it was in the last 200 sites in the small print! You were just to lazy to read the contract, so don't blame me for your ignorance." „As if anybody would read a 300 sites contract with fine print!" „Only somebody as stupid as you would sign a contract without reading!"

„SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ASSHOLES!"  
Gin-chan screamed smacking their heads together.

After a minute, when they both could look straight again, Gin-chan coughs briefly and said with hi- her cutest tone:  
„May I have your attention, please." Both began sweating and nodded, fearing for their lives. „What I wanted to say, before you interrupted me so roughly, is, that our teacher is here."

They blinked for a second, then realizing that the whole class -which miraculous assembled themselves while their showdown- watched them. Kondou-san clears his throat and sends them a disapproving look. „Can I begin now?" They nod, blushed to their toes and sat down quietly.

„So, now that I have your attention, I am here to announce that we have a transfer student. His name is Hijikata Toshirou and…come here." He waved towards the door and a pale black haired teen walked into the class, eyes to the ground.

„So, yes this is Hijikata-kun and he comes from-"  
„THE PERVERT!"  
Gin-chan screeches pointing his finger accusingly on the boy.

„How dare you show your face in front of me again, you Mayonnaise addict!" Said pervert blushed furiously but refused to let himself be overpowered again. „I already told you, you clearly misunderstood! I'm sorry that I touched your strawberries but it is not like I have a choice! I was transferred to this class, deal with it!" „NO! Absolutely not! Get out of my class NOW!" „What class? Your class? You are only a student, dammit! How come you are this arroga-" He barely avoids a front kick to his groins, by jumping to the left.

„Don't dodge, Mayora! Your balls are mine! Let me squeeze your **** dry!" „WHAT? NO! Who would let you do that? Are you cra-a-azy.. AAH!"  
He stopped the blade only millimeter away form his neck. Sougo stared at him under his fringe, looking completely lunatic.

„You touched my sister-at-heart strawberries? Pay with it with your blood, will you."  
„WHAT THE FUCK? Is here nobody sane?" „No, they all are weirdos." Kondou sighs, not lifting one finger to stop his students.

„Well and YOU ARE ONE CLEARLY TOO! THEY ARE MURDERING ME HERE! DO SOMETHING!" „But what should I do? They never listen at me." „Than quit your damn job, you useless teacher!"  
„Ah, no can do. Thats the only way to see my soon-to-be-fiancé, after all. Sorry kid." HIjikata deadpans, instantly regretting expecting anything from this Gorilla.

Then suddenly a loud bomb explodes -the pressure wave lifting poor Kondou-san into the air and throwing him into the chalk board- and a black haired teen with flying long hair, steps from a helicopter through the huge hole, into the class. As if unaware of all the gaping people he stood there calmly, like it was the ordinary thing to do.

„Good morning, my class. I am sorry for being late, the wind regime were bad, so I had to wait till I could go off."  
Silence, then:  
„What is that for a poor excuse? If you couldn't fly then just go with the car or by bicycle like every normal person! And I know for a fact, that your house is nearer than mine! There is no need to go by anything moving, just freaking walk, you idiot!"

„Gin-chan."  
He lifted his head to stare serious in his eyes.  
„A man must stick to his routine no matter what. Even if it is winding, storming or snowing I must fly. Even if I risk my life on the way, even if I will be late, I must stay strong. Or else my honor wouldn't survive this disgrace-"

„What honor you Idiot! You are just to lazy to walk!" „What disgrace? There is nothing there that could be disgraced!"  
The two girls stomp onto the screaming Katsura crouched on the ground. Suddenly the door opens, and a plain guy from the neighbor class joins in the stomping.

„Why did you have a showy entrance while I didn't even get mentioned in this fic! I am the damn second main character! Go to hell Zura!" Shinpachi seethed and brings his violent side to show, that kind of resembled the one of his sister.

Then, as if nothing more crazy could happen, a beeping sound roused loud through the room and a circle of light manifested itself in the center. A loud screech and metallic sound and another perm head plopped into the air. He fell to the ground, then slowly scrambled up, holding his right side, where a chunk of his flesh should be.  
Instead there was a hole where blood gushed out continually.

He looked up, pale and sweating and tried a weak smile.

„Ahaha… hello there.. I wanted to try beaming you see … and Mutsu said it was totally safe.. HAHA. Yeah I am totally fine. Only imagining this wound. Haha. Yeah, Mutsu would never lie to me … haha.. yeah she loves me… ha ..ha.."  
He stopped his fake laugh and deliberately scratched his head. He then focused on his surroundings, a goofy smile on the lips. „Oh, hey there Kin-chan. Since when where you a girl? Ah, do you perhaps know where the toilets are? I have this itching in the stomach, you know.. must have eaten something bad.." He trailed off. Everybody stared at him disbelievingly.

„No. I don't think this problem will be solved with taking a shit."  
Gin-chan finally stated, shoving a finger in his nose.

„..Ahaha… Kin-chan, what do you mean? It is something completely normal, to have this urge, right? Whenever you feel like a part of your flesh was ripped off your guts, it is the indication to go to the toilet, right? It means you have a big one, right?"

„Yeah, it certainly means you have a big hole in your brain." „Ahaha.. right. So were is the bathroom?"  
Gintoki slowly raised his digest and pointed to the door. The man laughed again and stumbled to the entrance, nearly slipping in his own blood. Shinpachi reached and grabbed his arm, making him halt. Tatsuma slowly looked at him, blood gushing over his lips, making his smile out of a horror movie.

„Something wrong?" He asks, staining the young boy before him with red sprinkles. „…No" Shinpachi deadpans. „The floor down and then left." The ghost nods and went away, more crawling than actually walking.

The heavy silent lingered for a while, till Katsura coughed and gained their attention. „Anyway, I heard somebody was hitting on my Gin-chan?" He tried to go on course.  
„Huh? I-i-i a-already told you, that I'm not interested in d-dating." Gin-chan commented shyly and with fluttering eyelashes. „Yeah."  
Kagura glared, managing to lay one arm around the taller woman. „Nobody touches my Gin-chan." Then in a lower voice. „She is mine!"

Hijikata jolts and blushes slightly. „Eeh, are we in this kind of anime?" He whispers towards Sougo who happens to stand next to him. „This is not what I signed for on the job contract." „Who knows." The blond sighs.  
„This is Gintama, there could happen anything. But my guess is, they where short on good looking males for the harem, so China had to step in." A pause then. „Not that she acts as a girl anyway." Hijikata nods grateful.

„Ah, thanks. It's always a bit confusing the first time in a new one." „Yeah, I know. One time I was playing a twin and we had to always joke on forbidden brotherly love.. I kind of liked it at end, but in the beginning…" **

„Whoa, thats harsh. You know, I had to play a samurai once, and it was hilarious because he was damn strong but always got lost and-" ***

„YOU TWO! QUIT IT! We are in a fucking fanfiction now, so stop rambling about other animes like you hate it here! Are you bored? Is it that? You want me to strip and dance for you, so the fic becomes more entertaining? Well, FUCK YOU! I am a decent woman here, who tries to be shy and cute in front of her love interest, so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB, ASSHOLES!"

Gin-chan breathes heavily after her outburst, flaring nostrils, gritted teeth and a murderous glare make her look like the incarnation of a demon wh-

„GO ***** YOURSELF AUTHOR-SAN! How do you expect me to be all lovey-dovey when even your are badmouthing me! Are you annoyed of your own fanfic, ha? Is that why you want to kill the mood? Just let me kiss somebody, already!"  
He..-She cries and stumbles to the floor, dwelling in self-pity.

The five love interests (for all who forgot, Mayora, the sadist, the bullying smoker, the bomber and the female best friend) looked at each other, fighting of who had the luck (or misfortune) to go and comfort her.

After three pointless matches of rock-paper-scissor, and a genuinely furious Gin-chan -because still nobody had dared to approach her- Hijikata gathered his guts and kneeled in front of her.

„O-okay, everything will be alright, yeah?" He dries her tears with his sleeve. „I'm sure author-san loves you just like we do, okay? He just can't decide who is the best for you, because you only deserve the perfectest man in the world."

He gave her an encouraging smile and the woman slowly raised her head.  
Then she finally replied, voice hoarse from all the crying. „You suck at encouraging smiles." But her tone was much more lively and when she watched the man and woman surrounding her she couldn't help but be happy. „I's it true?" She managed to ask, blushing due to the question. „You all… like me?" They all sigh and smiled at her in incomprehension.

„Of course we do." Takasugi answered a hint of pink on his nose. „Gin-chan, I already confessed to you countless times, do you really belief I would say this to somebody I don't love?" Katsura states serious and than adds „I love you as much as I love Elizabeth ah-"  
His scream was muffled by the floor, when Kagura and Shinpachi smashed him into it.

„Yeah, who could not love somebody as mean and sweet at the same time, as you?" Sougo asked nonchalant, earning a shoulder punch from Kagura. „Don't waste your time with these idiots, in the end you only need a female friend like me." She grins goofily and mimics him by shoving a digest in her nose. „Yes, Gin-chan, we all love who you are, and nothing will ever change it." Shinpachi says gentle, meaning every word he had said.

Gin-chan blinked slowly and then a huge grin spreads across her face. „Thanks." She shouts a tear of joy running down her cheek. She then hugged the black haired man in front of her intensely, making him flush bright red. Nonetheless he returned her embrace, a warm feeling settling in his stomach.

Till Gin-chan broke apart and said with a confident smile: „This means so much to me, because… you know.. I have a huge secret, and I was scared to tell you guys, because I thought you would dump me, if you knew…"

Hijikata shakes violently his head and Kagura and Shinpachi gasp in unison. „No, way, we would never do this to you, Danna." „Yes, Gin-chan, tell us your secret. We promise we won't judge you." Kagura said smiling brightly. The silver head nods and exhales slowly, than looked up and gather his courage.

„So.."

The attendee leaned closer with an excited expression.

„I'm a guy." Gintoki said.

Everybody crashed to the ground. „WHAAAAAAAT?"  
„But this is a harem anime! With a reverse harem, a lot of hot guys for the girl! How could the author overlook such a important matter?!" Shinpachi screeched.

„I don't know! That's why I said author-san hates me! I am a failure as a protagonist!" Gintoki whined, tears streaming down his face.

„W-wait" Kagura mumbles „does this mean, I am the only one technical speaking, he can go out with?" Her eyes bulge and she recoils. „No way, I am to young for dating! My manager said it clearly in the contract! No underage relationships!" „What, you have a Manager? Who are you? Brad Pitt?" „Of Course I have a manager, Shinpachi! I'm a beautiful young women!"

„WAIT! Does this mean you were never really serious with me?" Gintoki blurted, certainly hurt. Kagura rolled her eyes. „Of course I love you Gin-chan, but I am the female best friend, who has a protection-complex about you, fearing that you would leave me if you get a boyfriend, but never really considered in dating you." She sniffled loudly. Gintoki's eyes widen.  
„Kaaaguraaa! I would never ditch you only for a boyfriend!" He cried and spreads his arms. „GIN-CHAAAAN!" She whines and threw herself into his arms hugging him like mad.

„So, wait." Hijikata invests. „I'm new, so I am excused, but didn't anyone of you realized, that she is far to tall for a decent cute female? And that she has a Adam's apple? A deep voice? And wears boxers under her skirt?" Silence.

Shinpachi face palms while Takasugi looked unfazed like ever.  
Than. „Thought every girl would look like that." gaining full attention to himself. Takasugi tried to override his embarrassment by dragging on his pipe. Only that he forget that it was a water pipe, left him coughing and swirling his hands in the air, like an idiot. „Well, you could have know if you compared him to me." Kagura claimed. „You don't count as a girl, you are a monster." He gasps.

A second later he was painting the wall.  
Eyes followed the out stretched arm, to a certainly not-female, blond sadist. Everyone stared (besides Zura, who passed completely out upon the message his beloved Gin-chan was in fact a man) stunned at him. He wriggled uncomfortable and cleared his trough.

„Nobody than me can insult her." He averted his eyes and blushed slightly. „It says so in the contract you know. Paragraph 287."

Kagura blinks and than feel the heat rush to her cheeks as well.  
„Yeah." She mumbles, fidgeting in Gintoki's arms, till he set her down.

„One question." Shinpachi observed. „When you were a guy the whole time, why did you get all this embarrassed in front of Hijikata-kun?" Gintoki froze. „I-i-i don't know what you mean."

„In the beginning, when you said you had the secret desire to eat Mayonnaise. And later when you told Kagura you liked him." He flushed by the remark, as the virgin he was. „WHAT? How could you know this? You weren't there when all of this happened!" Shinpachi shoved his glasses up on his nose. „We were watching it at the television, of course. But don't distract. Do you like Hijikata?"

Hijikata squirmed by this question. He was kind of nervous. Why was he nervous? He shouldn't be, Gin-chan, no Gintoki was a guy.  
And they were in a harem anime, so there is no way they…  
He stops. Slowly he lifted his head.

„A-are we.. perhaps.. in.. in a .. Yaoi anime?" He stutters, voice nearly braking. Gintokis froze as well, locking eyes with him.

His pig tails, had miraculous vanished, leaving silver curly locks shining brightly in the sun.  
His face was illuminated in the light and a warning voice in his mind stated that this was the moment-of-love-realization, which happened in every romance anime.  
Well to late know, he thought. Gintoki blushed, looking far to cute for a guy.

„Looks like it." He answered softly. Kagura held her breath and grabbed Sougo's hand in the tension.  
„Uhm.. so.. you do like me?" He asks hesitantly.

„More than the others?" He gestured towards the two crashed figures on the ground. Gintoki shivered and then gives him the tiniest of nods. „I-i-if you still like m-me, of course.. since I am a guy and all…" Hijikata moves towards him, till they are only inches apart. „I.. I don't mind… It's to late for me anyway." He confessed face red.

Gintoki's red eyes widen and then he laughs liberated and then he finally, finally got his kiss.

They were still blushing and standing in the nearly destroyed classroom, being watched by their friends, but they didn't cared. They plunge into the kiss, which quickly develops into a deeper one, tongues dancing and everything. When they broke apart they notice, that Sougo also tried his luck with Kagura, who apparently didn't have a problem with him, when his moth was devouring hers.

They giggle slightly and continue to engulf in each other, warm body's pressing against another, hands roaming, legs interlocked. When Hijikata nuzzled his nose against the crook of Gintoki's neck he heard him whispering silently in his ear. „I am looking forward at eating your Mayonnaise, Hijikata-kun~." Hijikata heard his heart beat fasten and when he tried to be offended while answering: „I told you, you misunderstood!" he, as well as Gintoki, could hear his excitement far to clear.

* * *

 **Later that night.**

„WHAT? You were the fucking girl the whole fic, blushed and acted all cute and girly! SO WHY AM I THE BOTTOM?"  
„Compensation, Hijikata-kun. Compensation from dear author-san, in letting me wait this long. Now, be a good girl and don't make a fuss. I promise, you will enjoy it~."  
„I better will, you permy head." „I take you by your word, Mayonnaise addict."  
And then there where only moans and screams echoing through the silent night.

Expect for a poor forgotten guy in the bathroom, bleeding to death while frantically mumbling something about he will never beam again.

* * *

*strawberries as in boobs, because she is talking nonsense stupidity xD ** Hikaru Hitachiin in Ouran High School Host Club, for all you who didn't guess right.  
*** And yes, Hijikata is talking about Zoro in One piece If you ever stalked Gintama as much as I did, you will know that the characters from above where voiced by the same actor of our beloved Sougo and Hijikata. Thats why they talk about it :P

* * *

Okay? Did you laughed? I hope you did! ^^ (because I did at writing, and well... it would be weird if I were the only one finding it funny.. would let me second guess my humor.. or something.. haha.. -_-°)  
And sorry for all of you who hoped for a evil Takasugi ... just didn't fit in this one. And about Tatsuma... I didn't plan to let him in, but he kinda barged into it... haha :)  
Eh, Anyway ... leave me comments, so I know how to improve myself (and write more trashy fics xD) and make me happy ^^ ( Yes, you will! )  
Next comedy fic coming soon! (And it will be a long one! (Or I finish something else beforehand, we will see.))


End file.
